Day Three A.K.A the Day of Hell.

Day three!  Something weird just happened to me, but  I’m trying to figure out a way to put it in writing so all of you don’t think I fell off the deep end…..Or worse.  Still thinking….

 
Ok let’s try this.  First of all, today was BY FAR the worst wake up I’ve had in my three days.  I instantly wanted chew, my head was pounding, I was irritable and I sincerely considered telling Stacy that I’m willing to admit in the blog that I chewed today JUST so I could have one.  It really was THAT bad for about 45 minutes, non stop. 

 
Then I realized something.  Try some positivity.  The cravings and lack of nicotine have done NOTHING but my fill my head with negativity, and I was VERY close to just letting that negativity win.  It would have been easier, right? 

 

Then, I thought about something that Stacy told me last night after I told her I was probably going to fail again anyway.  When I say “again,” remember, I “quit” for six weeks in the past and failed.   Yes, I was having a whining pity party.  Anyway, she said “learn from the past because you can’t change it so take a negative and turn it into a positive. You’re better and stronger than nicotine.  Don’t allow something else (nicotine) to have that much power over you.”  I loved hearing that last night.  When I woke up this morning with the terrible headache, grouchiness and WORST EVER craving, that same positive advice meant absolutely nothing to me.  It was silly.  She’s not the one trying to quit dip.  She’s not the one with the headaches and achy body.  She’s not the one going mentally insane. 

 

After about 45 minutes of all the symptoms I just mentioned, I had two choices:  Go find chew or find a way to beat the craving.  That’s when I seriously just kept repeating what Stacy told me last night.  It may sound cheesy or weird to you guys, but I just kept repeating it over and over again.  I am stronger than nicotine; I won’t allow it to have that much power over me. I just kept saying it and saying it.  Again and again….

 

And what do you know?  The WORST (by far) craving I’ve had in my three days went away.  I know, it sounds like something you’d see on weird channel at 4am, which is why I tried to deny it.  However, REAL positivity worked!  Will it work every time?  Probably not, but I’ll worry about those cravings when I get to them.  Did I mention all of this happened and it’s not even 10:15am? 

 

I’m actually admitting I’m scared.  I’m scared of many things.  I’m scared the positivity that Stacy has me believing won’t last.  I’m scared I’ll let her down, the kids down, my family down, her family down, EVERYONE down! I’m scared my grouchiness will cause Stacy to tell me to take a hike.  Could I blame her?  Nope.  Would you blame her?  Nope!  I’m scared that I’ll push her away and start chewing again all at the same time.  Talk about failure!  If that happens, I could write a “How to Miserably Fail 101” book and it’d be a best seller.

 

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m getting more cravings literally as I type.  Stacy is up in the shower and is enjoying some much deserved peace and quiet.  I wouldn’t blame her if she stayed up there all day, anything to avoid me.  Hell, if I could I’d avoid me! I keep thinking to myself, why put myself and the people I care about the most through all of this?  Just have a dip and it’ll go away….Right?  No!  I was miserable because I was chewing.  I knew ALLLLL the negatives about it and couldn’t deny them anymore.  I just hope I don’t lose Stacy and the kids along with this addiction.  If I did, I would have no one to blame but myself, just like I have no one to blame but my self for picking up a can of dip 16 years ago.

 

I just want the terrible cravings to stop, my head to feel better, my body to feel better.  I want my terrible attitude about life to get back to where it belongs.  It’s not fair to Stacy and the kids.  I feel like I’m putting myself in a lose-lose situation by doing all of this.  If I quit, I make everyone miserable and push them away.  If I keep chewing, well duh, there are 5,000 reasons why I’d lose if I did that. I’m in a major funk and even the positivity that worked earlier….Well it’s laughing in my face now.  Why Should I continue to put Stacy through this?  Hell, I don’t care about myself, but I sure as hell care about her.  She did NOTHING to deserve my miserable attitude.  I’m not sure why she has kept me around.  I don’t imagine it’ll last much longer.  I couldn’t blame her either…

 

Do I think this would be easier on my own?  My ego says yes.  My brain and common sense say I couldn’t do it on my own, which I admit is probably true.  But is it really worth making the woman I love miserable?

 

It’s early afternoon now and I feel like this day is dragging ON and ON.  Stacy has been upstairs for most of the day, which I’m 99.9999% sure is my fault.  She’s avoiding me.  I would avoid me to if it was physically possible.

 

It’s now later in the day, 2:30 or so.  I haven’t chewed.  I haven’t done anything.  I’m pretty much a useless human body.  I’m stronger than nicotine….I am.

 

Guess what!?  Some patience, self discipline and A LOT of love from Stacy and I’m feeling ok.  It’s about 6pm right now and things have been much better.  It may sound weird, just like my “positivity speech” did earlier, but it’s amazing how well a hug and some old fashioned positivity can work.  Do I still want a dip?  Yes.  Will I want some tomorrow?  I’m pretty damn sure I will!  However, I’m in 10 times better shape than I was for almost the whole day.

 

It’s time for bed…And I have officially made it for 72 hours, three days.  Three days is a big deal for one reason.  According to the experts, if you go without nicotine for 72 straight hours, your body is officially 100% nicotine free.  What does that mean?  I’m not exactly sure.  I hope it means I won’t have days where I go for six or seven straight hours of being miserable and wanting a dip. 

 

I want to end this blog by posting a quote that Stacy found and immediately showed me.  She knew how perfect this quote was for me to see and understand.  Let’s hope tomorrow goes better!  THANK YOU Stacy.  I love you.