Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Day 100: WE DID IT!!

 photo 6a1de98e-e8ff-4403-986e-4e9f3a3dc278_zpsfaadd83b.jpg

Day 100:  Today is a day I never thought I'd see.  I never believed I would make it this far, especially on the day when I caved to chew even when I was already blogging publicly about my journey.  I remember thinking to myself that if I couldn't quit when all these people are watching/reading, I'd never be able to quit.  Well, I was wrong, as usual lol.  This time I'm happy, joyful, glad, excited and thankful to be wrong! Yes, Stacy, I'm admitting that you are right and I'm wrong.  Ouch, that hurts...

I was scared to death  and anxious about quitting during my first two "stops."  On the third time I was still scared, but I was determined, ready and SERIOUS. Chewing tobacco was something that was a fixture in my daily life for more than 16 years.  I depended on it, needed it, tricked myself into thinking I enjoyed it (one way of justification), and planned my entire life around it.  The funny thing is, I never realized I did all these things UNTIL I became serious about quitting.  It wasn't until I quit FOR REAL that I realized how stupid, ignorant, selfish, and ridiculous I was being for 16 years.  It became even more evident that I was being incredibly selfish once I was lucky enough to find a woman, the woman of my dreams who cares about me and my well being.  How about two small children that look up to me?  BOTH of them were sincerely worried about me chewing once they learned exactly what it was and what I was doing. Look below, you can see how Auden feels about dip!  That's her helping me stay motivated as she rips up the chewing tobacco coupons that came in the mail.  Atta girl Audy Bear!

 photo 374a96b5-e9d7-4c27-bde3-89512a52c4dc_zps32accb94.jpg

Even with the people who truly love me, have my back and are rooting me on every second of the way, I learned (thank you Stacy) that I had to be the one who truly wanted to quit.  I had to be SERIOUS, not just anxious and excited, 100% SERIOUS.  I don't care who you are or how many people you have in your corner, if you don't TRULY want it, you'll never get it. You can't just ask for it or hope for it, you gotta take it and run with it.  After two times of hoping and wondering, I just got sick of it and TOOK IT. With help, I took my life back.

Yes, I had help, A TON OF help.  I couldn't have done with it without two things:  A strong attitude and my support group.  Not one or the other, BOTH.  I was lucky enough to have the wonderful support group and the attitude was just up to me.  I did it.....WE DID IT!!!!

Stacy-  I owe you my life...That's no exaggeration.  I seriously, literally owe you my life.  You saved my life.  you had my back at the worst of times, times when I "knew" I wasn't going to make it through a craving, when I had "nic fits," when I was down on myself, and when I just didn't want to do it anymore.  Many spouses demand that their partner quit chewing/smoking.  I was able to quit because you never, ever demanded that I quit.  You certainly supported my quit but you let it be known that I was only letting myself down if I decided to quit and then start chewing again.  You made me aware that I'm the one who'd have to look in the mirror and see one of two things:  Quit Success or Quit Failure.  I liked option A better.  Through out alllllll the physical withdrawals you were right there.  you helped me keep my mind and body occupied and helped me stay on the right path.  Some will, but many people do not and will not understand how much that meant and still means to me.  Thank you Stacy, I love you! See below for a photo of my rock, savior and most beautiful woman in ALL the land!

 photo f483eca3-7f49-4a2d-b783-bf83b5a2dc54_zps7e429aab.jpg

To J. Wilt and Momma Roush. Your tough love is exactly what the doctor ordered! You were never mean to me, but you told me EXACTLY how it was during this journey. You sincerely rooted for me and sincerely wanted me to succeed! You have no idea how much that meant and always will mean to me. THANK YOU! See below.  The first photo is J, the second one is Momma Roush. Neither one of them will mess around when it comes to helping others!

 photo 162008b7-5543-410a-a001-cdd1bd9e7db7_zps29fd001a.jpg
 photo 897e548d-8ac9-4fa0-81c9-8944f5b31256_zps2d450603.jpg

To my mom- You've been there from the day I started I chewing and you never liked it, but you never stopped loving me. I'm sorry for adding pressure to your daily life for the last 16 years. I can't thank you enough for supporting me during this journey and for putting up with my crap. I love you mom. See below for a photo of my mom.  She's kind of a big deal...

 photo 0a8c0fce-a399-4795-bd07-c005cf256f04_zps0d41b21b.jpg

To all the guys and gals at Kill The Can (KTC). Wow! Technically I'm speechless, but considering this is a speech, I'm probably not allowed to be speechless huh? With that being said, I just want to thank you for being there 24-7, literally. Whether it be though the message boards, live chat, Facebook, etc.. You guys always had my back and it REALLY meant a lot! I made friends for life because of KTC and we all have a common bond that we should be very proud of! No, not chewing tobacco....QUITTING chewing tobacco!   

I never did this blog to gain attention for myself.  I did it for a few reason though.  For starters, I WANTED the pressure (positive peer pressure) of people knowing whether or not I caved toa craving, and boy did I ever, right J. Wilt? lol.  I also did it because I was hoping, just HOPING that maybe I could help motivate someone else to quit their nicotine addiction.  Now that it's day 100, I wonder if I helped anyone quit...I wonder if someone will run into these blogs on a random day and say "damn, I need to stop smoking/dipping.  Maybe, maybe not.  All I know is this: If I truly helped just ONE person, then all of these blogs have been worth it!  If I have helped you in ANY WAY, please shoot Stacy and I an email at  We would love to hear from you! 

With all of that being said, THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart!  I'll never forget the support I received from all of you!  THANK YOU! 

Please continue (OR START) following our blog because Stacy will be VERY active in the near future with all of kinds of things!  I will be to, but Stacy will be the Queen Bee for sure!  Oh, and let me be clear.  Her writing/blogging skills are 55,000 times better than mine!  I'll leave you all with a photo of my beautiful family, the ones who put up with my crap for the last 100 days and stuck by me!  Thank you, I LOVE YOU.

 photo c9f5c389-687c-457e-832f-242acc650b45_zpsa2e6bf1f.jpg

Facebook: Search for "Life Gone Live" and click "like."
Twitter: @lifegonelive
Instagram: lifegonelive

Sunday, May 19, 2013

DAy 95: A Big Thank You To Everyone At

 photo d1c9fb33-c0c3-40a9-98d7-993990d290af_zps7e25550c.jpg

Day 95:  Feeling great, better than ever actually!  I've never been more motivated about doing well in life than I am now.  Sure, maybe I'm not "traditional" in my ways of motivation,  but it all stems from Stacy, my support group, becoming and staying positive and quitting dip after 16 years.  I'm sure you or someone you know have found other ways to become motivated.  Here is what I know.  I am motivated, happy, and ready to take on life and all of it's challenges because of the people in my life and because nicotine is no longer part of my life.  Therefore, who gives a sh!t what it is that motivates you or me, right?

I wanted to give a sincere thank you to one of the "things" that has helped me SO MUCH during my journey thus far.  That "thing" is a LIFE SAVING website called  All the info, activities, merchandise, and most of all the PEOPLE on that site are as genuine and real as you can get.  They are there every single second for help and support.  They WANT to help, they WANT to be helped and they are VERY serious about helping and being helped.  They aren't there because they have to be, they WANT to be.

I have made friends for LIFE because of this site.  When I first started my quitting journey, I wasn't expecting or even looking to make more friends.  I was looking to start a mission and continue on it for the rest of my life.  I came to find out that not only did I make friends, I couldn't have quit chewing FOR REAL without these friends! These guys don't take short cuts and they don't allow me to.  They don't sugar coat things and they don't want me sugar coating things for them.  They tell the truth and want me telling them the truth.  If One of us slips up, you man up, admit it, and start over.  You don't run away!  Along with Stacy, they taught me that. 

I've put everyone I love through the ringer during this journey and they have stuck by me.  I have learned SO MUCH through out this and I have been humbled to a point I never thought possible.  I'll always be grateful for that! The guys at, Stacy and the rest of my support group....THANK YOU!

One of the things I am VERY excited to earn, yes EARN is the Hall Of Fame Gold Coin that represents 100 days of no dip.  I remember seeing the coin many, many, many days ago and telling Stacy how far away that day was.  Well guess what?  A few days ago Stacy ordered that coin for me and I am truly feeling happy, happy like a young kid on Christmas Eve.  I don't care if you make fun of me.  If you're making fun of me right now, it means you have NEVER accomplished anything in your life that is as difficult as quitting nicotine or you don't know anyone who has.  I never realized how TOUGH it was to quit until I did it.  And let me tell you something, I openly admit I could NEVER have made it this far without my family and the guys at
 photo KTCcoin_zps35980634.jpg

Also, every single day I go on to the website and I "check in" or I do "roll call."  Roll call is when you go onto the message boards and actually "sign" your name, which means you promise to NOT participate in taking nicotine in any form for one day.  Every day it is your responsibility to check in.  If you don't check in, guys WILL message you to see if you have caved or if you simply forgot.  It's a GREAT motivator and it's one of the many tools on that website that I love.  If you or anyone you know chews tobacco,  ask them respectfully to check out  If they still don't want to quit after they check it out, it simply means they aren't ready to quit.  It's their choice and no one is going to make them quit.  That's all for now, good night folks...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Day 90: Yes, I'm An Addict.

 photo 9a2ecd9f-72b7-4e33-bcef-e26c70c0f653_zpsbb8ed44d.jpg

Day 90:  Holy shi!t, it's day 90!  What happened to all the days?  I remember it wasn't too long ago when all I did was bitch and moan to Stacy about how I could never make it to day 100, how it was so damn far away and how it was a mistake to not only quit chewing, but to quit with the public reading/watching.  Thanks to all of you, and especially her, I'm now on day 90 and feeling better than EVER!  and I mean EVER!  I'll never be able to explain how grateful I am for all the people who put up with my crap.  I'll never be able to explain how good I really do feel.  I feel clear, motivated, excited.  I feel like I just conquered Rome and I'm now prepared for any other challenge life brings my family and I. With all of that being said, one of many important things I have learned through out this journey is to never ever let my guard down.  I'm an addict and I need to remember that ALL the time. 

By definition addict means; A person who is addicted to an activity, habit or substance.

Yes, I am an addict.  Just because I didn't do heroin or cocaine or a different "serious" drug doesn't mean I'm not an addict.  Believe me, I don't like admitting this.  It took me 16 years to admit I was an addict.  I always justified my addiction by saying it wasn't one of the "major drugs," so I wasn't an addict.  Guess what?  It's not only a major drug, it's THE major drug!  Millions of people are nicotine addicts but they won't admit it, simply because they find ways to justify it.  Many of them, myself included believe they aren't addicts because only people who go to rehab or do bad things are addicts.  That's NOT true!  Look up the definition for yourself if you don't believe me. Are you an addict?  If so, do you even admit it?  Being an addict doesn't make you a bad person.  That's another misconception that many people have.  They believe all addicts are bad people who lie and steal things.  Once again, it's because many people believe that ALL addicts are addicted to heroin, cocaine, but not nicotine. You're wrong.  I was wrong. 

The definition I mentioned above is the definition I got directly from the dictionary.  Therefore, MANY people are addicts and not all of them are drug addicts!  However, drug addicts are not only the most common addicts, but also the most misunderstood.  When I say misunderstood I don't mean their actions, I mean the proper an accurate definition. So, I'll ask one more time.  Please read the definition of addict and go look in the mirror.  While looking in the mirror, ask yourself if you're an addict.  If you lie to yourself, you'll continue to be addicted.  If you're honest and admit it (IF you have an addiction), you just reached and conquered the first and toughest step.  ADMITTING it!    If you REALLY want to conquer step one, admit to someone else you're an addict!  Go ahead, try it...It's not a cliche, admitting you're an addict is the TOUGHEST step to beat! 

I don't claim everyone is an addict, hell most people aren't addicts.  The only thing I'm claiming is that true addicts must admit they are an addict before they defeat what they are addicted to.  If you're not an addict, I guarantee you personally know an addict of some kind.  Think about it for a minute.  Do they admit they're an addict?  Maybe, maybe not.  Probably not...

 photo e2f17ea0-f598-467f-a0f6-4634f66b66be_zps18a278b3.jpg

I used to think addicts were "heavy" drug users only.  It's not true.  Now I KNOW addicts come in all shapes and forms and are addicted to all sorts of things.  I'm not ashamed to admit I'm an addict.  I would be ashamed to admit I'm an addict and do nothing about it.  That's when I would feel shame, guilt, and failure.  I refuse to admit I have an addiction and continue to let that addiction run my life.  Not going to happen, ever again! Having an addiction is one thing, letting defeat me is something I'll never allow again, not ever.  With Stacy's help, each day gets easier.  

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Day 85: Small Victories = Motivation!

 photo a413bd38-3873-44a4-b0cd-76a720550af6_zpsab293fb5.jpg

Day 85:  Can you believe it?  I only have 15 more days until I reach day 100!  It took me longer than 16 years to reach this goal, which I could NEVER reach without my support group.  Actually, I still haven't reached my 100 day goal but when you consider I chewed tobacco for 16 years, 15 days isn't too bad.  Besides, once I reach day 100, my next goal is day 200, 300, 400, etc...

The cravings have been there, but not like they used to be.  I get cravings probably five or six times a week but I have learned how to handle them.  Plus, with each craving that I beat, my confidence grows and grows!  It's amazing to look back at my physical and mental self just 85 days ago.  I have noticed a lot of changes and Stacy can probably notice even more changes than I can notice!  Actually, it's been longer than 85 days because I failed at day 40, started over and failed at day 17.  Therefore, it's been what, 142 days?  It sounds good saying "I've only had two dips in the last 142 days."  However, my goal was not reached because my goal is to have ZERO dips in the next 50,000 days. 

Stacy and I make little points all the time about things that help me stay motivated. Yes, to most people these are silly, but to me, someone who's been going through this, there is no such thing as silly if it helps me stay motivated   For instance, any time Stacy or I have an empty bottle, I truly enjoy throwing it in the trash can.  Why?  Because I used to save them specifically so I could spit in them.  It's a small victory every time I throw a bottle in the trash! Another thing is how my hands are always clean now.  Before, my finger tips would be brown from putting dips in all day every day.  Now, at random times Stacy will look at me and say "I love your hands being nice and clean all the time, I never knew what that was like before you quit chewing." Another is driving past any store that sells tobacco, which is just about every store in existence and giving said store the bird.  It's nice driving right by with my mouth and wallet still in tact as well. Sometimes to be funny I'll ask Stacy to give the store the bird as we drive by, but she rarely does lol. Yes, if you haven't figured it out by now, she's CLEARLY the classy one in this relationship. 

I also love when we go outside to play with the kids and I don't have to worry about what neighborhood kid will see me with dip in my mouth and then begin to ask questions.  Worse off, what if one of those kids goes home and tells their parents about it?  It would not only be uncomfortable for all parties involved, but just plain wrong on my part.  Now, when we go out there is no dipping or spitting, just us enjoying quality time with the kids!

 photo 5d5be017-f567-45ee-986b-89b5ce6d6799_zpsb180f93f.jpg

I could go on and on and on about small victories, but I'll save those for the end when we (my support group and I) reach our 100 day goal.  Until then, it's time to rest and get ready for day 86!  Good night all...

Monday, May 6, 2013

Day 83: A Positive Attitude Can Change Your Life.

 photo d84a7883-11ff-4201-b50c-31079606691b_zpsaf8bdf59.jpg

Day 83:  I'm sure some of you are wondering how I'm going to beat my last post lol.  Well, I'm not going to. I posted that because it was REAL and I needed to take responsibility for who and what I have become over the last several months. I wasn't proud of that person and I'm unbelievably lucky to have the support group that I have.  Without them, I'm not so sure I'd be positive right now.  I'd probably still be that guy, the one who let all the good, positive nature, love and fun get away from him. I still don't know exactly what, why, or how it happened but I do know that I'm back and I have my support group to thank for that.  THANK YOU.

I have been warned of an "80 day funk," but I have to say, I've been lucky because it's day 83 and I haven't had a legitimate craving in five to seven days.  Or, maybe they are "legitimate" cravings and I have gotten pretty good at fighting them off?  All I know is that I've been in "nicotine funks" before and this is NOT one of them lol.  Ask Stacy, she knows about my nicotine funks LOL.

I know I'm already starting to sound like a weirdo but do you realize how much you could change your negative attitude towards life and other people just by keeping the company of someone who is ALWAYS positive?  First of all, it's much harder said than done, but it IS possible.  I know this because I have done it.  I'm also lucky because Stacy broke that rule.  She kept me around even when I wasn't being positive, she believed in me and I thank her daily for that.  Negative people will cause you to become negative.  I would have been the person to cause you to become negative.  The only reason Stacy didn't become a negative person is because of how strong she is.  Again, I'm one lucky dude.

Stacy and my support group taught me that there is ALWAYS a reason or reasons to be positive.  Just because you may have to search a little harder on some days, doesn't mean there aren't reasons to be positive.  I lost sight of that and I lost sight of the all the good in the world, starting with the good in me.  Stacy never lost sight of that.  To this day I'm not sure why she didn't lose sight, all I know is I'm LUCKY.  Wait, I think I might know why she never lost sight of the good in me...Perhaps she does love me with all her heart, the exact thing I tried to push away during my "negative" days.  All I know for sure is this:  She never gave up on me and I will NEVER forget that.  I'm lucky to be marrying her and I can't wait to live the rest of our lives showing her that she won't regret keeping the faith in me.  Thank you baby!

 photo 34278893-18a8-4c3e-9b3a-c7a511f8df8f_zpsdc987780.jpg

I had another weigh in today, and it's probably my last one, or next to last one.  I officially weighed in at 188.4 lbs.  When I started this journey I weighed 189.  So, 82 days in and I am still down 1/2 a lb. overall.  Do we still have to talk about how the EXCUSE of "I'll gain weight if I quit nicotine" is just that, an EXCUSE?  Besides, speaking from experience, if you're not serious about nicotine, you'll find plenty of excuses not to.  Just don't let me hear you sing the weight gain excuse.

 photo 3bda3ed2-9494-454c-b528-7d217c8159ad_zpse1f47e95.jpg

I also understand if you don't want to hear about us reading the bible.  I was the guy who used to be like "why are they reading the bible, what is it really going to do?"  It helps, it truly does.  It feels good to believe in god in again.  I was raised to believe in god, it's just one more positive thing I let slip away.  No more.  Sure, maybe it's not your cup of tea, I told myself it wasn't my cup of tea for awhile to.  I don't know much but here is one thing I do know.  When I was loyal to God, there was a lot more positive thoughts in my head both personally and professionally.  Like Mrs. Roush told me...All things are possible with God.  I truly believe that...Now it's time to go out and live OUR life with and around positive people...

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Day 80: To Stacy, Stacy's Family And My Family; I'm Sorry.

 photo be2f5604-1a38-4e39-82b4-d8e1d4649182_zps6634993c.jpg

Day 80:  It's day 80...It's day 80!  Holy shit, I have made it 80 consecutive days with no nicotine!  That doubles my all time best.  However, this time I'm never going back to day 1.  I'm just going to keep building my days up instead of down, forward instead of backwards, north instead of south.  Ok, you get it.

I have worked too damn hard and have declared victory over too many cravings to lose now.  More importantly, my support group has worked too hard to see me fail again.  And last but not least, say what you will, but it's been fun proving all the doubters wrong thus far!  Really fun...BUT, there has been no better feeling than being able to answer the kids' question of "Do you promise you'll never ever ever do "Grizzy" again?" with a big fat "I Promise!"

I know I have twenty days left until I reach 100, but thanking Stacy for sticking by me through the first 80 days is the LEAST I can do. I've always been honest during this blog and I'll continue to be honest straight through day 100.  I haven't been nice at times.  I've had several "nic fits" which is a nice way of saying I have been annoyed by dumb things during a craving, I have yelled at anyone for anything during cravings and I have been INCREDIBLY hard on myself to the point where I almost gave up on EVERYTHING.  And by everything I mean the people I love with all my heart and my nicotine free life.  I almost walked out for good on Stacy, the kids and my nicotine free life.  Yes, it was that bad.  No, I didn't want to admit it.  I blamed everyone but myself.  I wasn't grateful for the small things, which means I wasn't grateful for the big things either.  Now, I'm super duper triple grateful that I still have Stacy and the kids in my life.  Now, I want to marry here ASAP!  Before, I was scared, scared for her sake. I completely disliked myself and couldn't understand why such a beautiful, smart, educated, hilarious, classy and elegant woman like Stacy could possibly see in me.  I thought, wait, I "knew" I was a miserable (for no good reason), no good jerk off who always looked for ways to self destruct   What better way to self destruct than to try and push your dream girl away?  That's what I TRIED to do and I justified it by telling her it was what was best for her every time we fought. In a nut shell, excuse my language, but I've been a grade-A hand made ass hole! 

Want to hear the saddest part of all?  Stacy is the one didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself.  She saw good in me that I thought I lost a long time ago.  I couldn't feel good and I certainty didn't see any good in me.  I was miserable on a daily basis when I should have been grateful for one more day without chew, for having my over all health, for having her and the kids, for having a warm home, etc. Instead I kept telling myself and Stacy that I was worthless.  I truly felt as though I was worthless to.  Although she should have felt I was worthless because of my actions, Stacy never once believed that I was worthless.  I don't know why and I don't care, I just know I'm forever grateful for that!  I don't know how or why, but I promise she won't regret keeping her faith in me!

 photo e61938d1-8a4f-4329-a53b-78354f374712_zpsd13be6a2.jpg

Because of Stacy, I have a newly restored faith in myself.  My outlook on life has changed.  There is good in me and I can do good things in this world.  I love Auden and Beckett and I love Stacy.  I still need work on loving myself, but I can assure you, I'm much better than I was not too long ago. I should probably start with liking myself and build my way up to loving myself.  Not the "full of myself" love, the love where I respect others and want respect from others.  Yes, there is a fine line and we all flirt with it sometimes. My mission is to find that line of loving myself and allowing Stacy to love me and stay on it.  I'm getting there and it already feels good.

Some people say "oh no, you picked a bad time to quit nicotine."  At times I believed them, but when is there a better or worse time to quit some something that has owned you for the last sixteen years?  Hell, I was already running sixteen years late so we decided to get it done, because we ALL know, the longer one waits, the more excuses one has.  I hated the world on some days, I hated myself almost every day.  On the surface, you would think if someone hates themselves  they are the victim   No way, not true!  The people who love them and the people around them become the victims! That is completely unfair to the people around me.  I'm sorry and I'm VERY lucky to be here saying no one gave up on me, most of all, not Stacy.  She probably should have lol. But, since she didn't, it's now my turn to make her understand/realize how right she was when it came to having faith in me.  I am the guy she fell in love with almost two years ago, now she is starting to see and feel that again.  My job now is to get better and better because we WILL BE MARRIED soon.  I know for an absolute fact that Stacy is my dream girl, soul mate and the most beautiful woman, both inside and out that I ever laid eyes on.  I'm literally the luckiest guy on Earth to know she wouldn't give up on me.  If I don't marry her, I'll never get married because I know there is no woman out there better for me than she is.  Stacy, I love you.

I never knew what it was like to truly believe in myself, have in faith in myself and to sincerely root for myself.   I never knew what any of that stuff was like until a few weeks ago and I still wouldn't know if it weren't for Stacy.  Ever hear the saying "If you don't like yourself, it's hard for anyone else to like you."  Well, in most cases it's not bullshit.  Yet, Stacy NEVER gave up on me and she wouldn't allow me to give up on myself.  A TON of people would give up their life to have a woman like that, and now I know I would to.  I love you Stacy.  Please marry me.  I'm serious, please marry me and let's do it soon.  I don't care what anyone else thinks because I know (with your help) I'm the right man for you.  I didn't always believe I was good enough for you.  Hell, you're still out of my league and you always will be, but I PROMISE you I'll love you the way you're supposed to be loved plus 19.  I'll be forever grateful to you for never giving up on me through out this journey.  THANK YOU and I love you with ALL my heart. 

With all of that being said, I can NOT and will NOT blame all of this on nicotine.  I'll always blame myself for allowing my brain to be filled with delusional negativity.  I allowed that to happen, no one else.  It was ME.  It's not who I am anymore but it WAS who I became.  I'm sorry to all of you.  Life is too short to be negative.  It's wayyyyyyyyy too short!  Stacy and I decided to get a bible and start reading it.  I won't walk around spouting off bible verses but I WILL take pride in reading the bible and I will allow god to be in my life.  I used to love and cherish god, somewhere a long the lines I let that get away from me and I will no longer let that happen. For the first time in my life I look forward to going to church for all the right reasons. 

To Stacy's family and my family:  I'm sorry for any and all negativity you have seen or heard from me in the last year.  I am truly, sincerely sorry from the bottom of my heart.  All of you know Stacy and know she's been through the ringer in her life.  I haven't made that any easier on her, which is part of the reason I completely disliked myself for the last several months.  However, SHE still found a way to be STRONG every single time she needed to be.  Not MOST of the time, EVERY single time.  That's just another reason I'm the luckiest guy on the planet.  If it weren't for her, I'd probably be in a ditch somewhere, or at the very least still chewing two cans of tobacco each day and believing I don't do any good for this family.  I am good for this family.  I love the kids with all my heart and they love me.  I'm thankful to have Mr. Roush, Mrs. Roush, Mr. Phillips and Niki in my life. I'm also thankful to have met Jay and Nikki, hopefully we will get to see a lot more of each other in the future. Your daughter is beautiful.  Most of your family seems to think your little girl looks like Nikki, I think she looks like Jay lol.  But what do I know?   Morgan- You are Stacy's pride and joy, she brags about how hard you work and how great you are doing every time she gets a chance.  Hell, she does it even when she doesn't have the opportunity, she just makes an opportunity lol.  And not that my opinion counts, but watching you go through college while working is an admirable thing to do, not to mention your grades are always outstanding!  It's NOT easy!  If it was easy, everyone would do it and we all know that's not the case!

 photo 129b06d4-6f2a-47b6-88fd-4e014a562420_zps365c1f30.jpg
With all of that being said, I promise, I promise on my life to love and cherish your daughter, mother and sister until the day I die.  Because of her, I'm a better man and that's what she deserves.  I was a good man most of my life, and just like God, somewhere a long the lines I let the good escape my heart.  As with God, the good can and will no longer escape my heart.  I'm sorry to each and every person I mentioned in this blog and I WILL be the man my parents raised me to be and Stacy deserves. Good night all...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Day 77: Money, Money, Money...

 photo bb2d5985-2120-4002-83e1-d655b825a821_zps6495181f.jpg
Day 77:  Just recently I posted a video about the health aspects of what nicotine to do to you and your body.  Well, actually, I've posted MANY times about that because it's the biggest reason I quit, and I assume it's the biggest reason most other people quit as well.  Guess what the next biggest reason is?  Go ahead, guess. For me, besides being around for myself and family, it's about saving money...A LOT of money! 

Today is day 77 for me. Before I quit, I was chewing A LOT.  Every two days I was spending $16.70 on chew and that's ONLY if I got it at a discount tobacco store. I'd spend even more money if I got it at a regular convenience store, which was not uncommon.  As a matter of fact, I''m willing to bet that 25% of my chew came from regular stores, which means inflated prices per can.  I did the math without including that, which would have made my total savings higher, and to be honest, more accurate. 

So far, I have saved $642.95 (probably more).  That's ONLY through 77 days of not chewing! I'm not even counting the day I quit for 17 days before I had a dip either. Imagine what that is per year!  The answer is   A LOT!  It's a lot of money to save for more important things like bills, fun, oh and perhaps Auden and Beckett might want to go to college one day.  Imagine how bad I'd feel if it came time for Auden to go to college and I waited until then to sit down and do the math.  I bet you I would have chewed away her college education, which would mean I obviously would have chewed away Beckett's  Wow...I don't know if I would have been able to live with myself.  Man oh man...Hell, who knows what my health would even be like when it came time for them to go to college!  The only thing worse than throwing our money away on chew would be to throw my life away and NEVER see them graduate college!

 photo 5ad9bd6d-f064-499e-be07-35ea4739cd5c_zpsa734f6a8.jpg

Imagine all the things one person can do in a life time with money they coulda, woulda, shoulda saved instead of becoming addicted to nicotine?  Just imagine...A new car...hell, a luxury or sports car!  Like I mentioned above, a college education...season tickets to your favorite sports team, how about annual vacations instead of that biannual weekend get away?  My point is, ANY reason to save money is better than throwing it away on nicotine. 

Ok, here's another "point."  I absolutely promise you that we ALL know someone who spends a ton of money on nicotine that should probably not be doing so.  Seriously, take 10 seconds to think and I guarantee you'll be able to think of someone (probably more than one person) who should be spending their money on needs rather than nicotine.  Wait, a second...IS that person YOU?  is it?  Are you being honest with yourself?  Still not convinced?  OK, try this.  Starting today, keep track of exactly how much money you spend on nicotine for the next month.  Don't lie, cut corners, justify it, bluff yourself or others, or deny it.  Look directly in the mirror and take responsibility for YOURSELF.  I was that guy...

I always found a way to justify my spending.  It was my money and I earned the right to do what I wanted to do with my money right?  Well guess, I didn't WANT to chew, I just assumed I wanted to chew because I could quit whenever I was ready.  Bullshit.  I chewed because I was addicted, meaning I had to chew, no matter what I told myself.  No once can afford to chew or smoke, it doesn't matter how much money you have....Think about it...Good night all...