Day 80: It's day 80...It's day 80! Holy shit, I have made it 80 consecutive days with no nicotine! That doubles my all time best. However, this time I'm never going back to day 1. I'm just going to keep building my days up instead of down, forward instead of backwards, north instead of south. Ok, you get it.
I have worked too damn hard and have declared victory over too many cravings to lose now. More importantly, my support group has worked too hard to see me fail again. And last but not least, say what you will, but it's been fun proving all the doubters wrong thus far! Really fun...BUT, there has been no better feeling than being able to answer the kids' question of "Do you promise you'll never ever ever do "Grizzy" again?" with a big fat "I Promise!"
I know I have twenty days left until I reach 100, but thanking Stacy for sticking by me through the first 80 days is the LEAST I can do. I've always been honest during this blog and I'll continue to be honest straight through day 100. I haven't been nice at times. I've had several "nic fits" which is a nice way of saying I have been annoyed by dumb things during a craving, I have yelled at anyone for anything during cravings and I have been INCREDIBLY hard on myself to the point where I almost gave up on EVERYTHING. And by everything I mean the people I love with all my heart and my nicotine free life. I almost walked out for good on Stacy, the kids and my nicotine free life. Yes, it was that bad. No, I didn't want to admit it. I blamed everyone but myself. I wasn't grateful for the small things, which means I wasn't grateful for the big things either. Now, I'm super duper triple grateful that I still have Stacy and the kids in my life. Now, I want to marry here ASAP! Before, I was scared, scared for her sake. I completely disliked myself and couldn't understand why such a beautiful, smart, educated, hilarious, classy and elegant woman like Stacy could possibly see in me. I thought, wait, I "knew" I was a miserable (for no good reason), no good jerk off who always looked for ways to self destruct What better way to self destruct than to try and push your dream girl away? That's what I TRIED to do and I justified it by telling her it was what was best for her every time we fought. In a nut shell, excuse my language, but I've been a grade-A hand made ass hole!
Want to hear the saddest part of all? Stacy is the one didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself. She saw good in me that I thought I lost a long time ago. I couldn't feel good and I certainty didn't see any good in me. I was miserable on a daily basis when I should have been grateful for one more day without chew, for having my over all health, for having her and the kids, for having a warm home, etc. Instead I kept telling myself and Stacy that I was worthless. I truly felt as though I was worthless to. Although she should have felt I was worthless because of my actions, Stacy never once believed that I was worthless. I don't know why and I don't care, I just know I'm forever grateful for that! I don't know how or why, but I promise she won't regret keeping her faith in me!
Because of Stacy, I have a newly restored faith in myself. My outlook on life has changed. There is good in me and I can do good things in this world. I love Auden and Beckett and I love Stacy. I still need work on loving myself, but I can assure you, I'm much better than I was not too long ago. I should probably start with liking myself and build my way up to loving myself. Not the "full of myself" love, the love where I respect others and want respect from others. Yes, there is a fine line and we all flirt with it sometimes. My mission is to find that line of loving myself and allowing Stacy to love me and stay on it. I'm getting there and it already feels good.
Some people say "oh no, you picked a bad time to quit nicotine." At times I believed them, but when is there a better or worse time to quit some something that has owned you for the last sixteen years? Hell, I was already running sixteen years late so we decided to get it done, because we ALL know, the longer one waits, the more excuses one has. I hated the world on some days, I hated myself almost every day. On the surface, you would think if someone hates themselves they are the victim No way, not true! The people who love them and the people around them become the victims! That is completely unfair to the people around me. I'm sorry and I'm VERY lucky to be here saying no one gave up on me, most of all, not Stacy. She probably should have lol. But, since she didn't, it's now my turn to make her understand/realize how right she was when it came to having faith in me. I am the guy she fell in love with almost two years ago, now she is starting to see and feel that again. My job now is to get better and better because we WILL BE MARRIED soon. I know for an absolute fact that Stacy is my dream girl, soul mate and the most beautiful woman, both inside and out that I ever laid eyes on. I'm literally the luckiest guy on Earth to know she wouldn't give up on me. If I don't marry her, I'll never get married because I know there is no woman out there better for me than she is. Stacy, I love you.
I never knew what it was like to truly believe in myself, have in faith in myself and to sincerely root for myself. I never knew what any of that stuff was like until a few weeks ago and I still wouldn't know if it weren't for Stacy. Ever hear the saying "If you don't like yourself, it's hard for anyone else to like you." Well, in most cases it's not bullshit. Yet, Stacy NEVER gave up on me and she wouldn't allow me to give up on myself. A TON of people would give up their life to have a woman like that, and now I know I would to. I love you Stacy. Please marry me. I'm serious, please marry me and let's do it soon. I don't care what anyone else thinks because I know (with your help) I'm the right man for you. I didn't always believe I was good enough for you. Hell, you're still out of my league and you always will be, but I PROMISE you I'll love you the way you're supposed to be loved plus 19. I'll be forever grateful to you for never giving up on me through out this journey. THANK YOU and I love you with ALL my heart.
With all of that being said, I can NOT and will NOT blame all of this on nicotine. I'll always blame myself for allowing my brain to be filled with delusional negativity. I allowed that to happen, no one else. It was ME. It's not who I am anymore but it WAS who I became. I'm sorry to all of you. Life is too short to be negative. It's wayyyyyyyyy too short! Stacy and I decided to get a bible and start reading it. I won't walk around spouting off bible verses but I WILL take pride in reading the bible and I will allow god to be in my life. I used to love and cherish god, somewhere a long the lines I let that get away from me and I will no longer let that happen. For the first time in my life I look forward to going to church for all the right reasons.
To Stacy's family and my family: I'm sorry for any and all negativity you have seen or heard from me in the last year. I am truly, sincerely sorry from the bottom of my heart. All of you know Stacy and know she's been through the ringer in her life. I haven't made that any easier on her, which is part of the reason I completely disliked myself for the last several months. However, SHE still found a way to be STRONG every single time she needed to be. Not MOST of the time, EVERY single time. That's just another reason I'm the luckiest guy on the planet. If it weren't for her, I'd probably be in a ditch somewhere, or at the very least still chewing two cans of tobacco each day and believing I don't do any good for this family. I am good for this family. I love the kids with all my heart and they love me. I'm thankful to have Mr. Roush, Mrs. Roush, Mr. Phillips and Niki in my life. I'm also thankful to have met Jay and Nikki, hopefully we will get to see a lot more of each other in the future. Your daughter is beautiful. Most of your family seems to think your little girl looks like Nikki, I think she looks like Jay lol. But what do I know? Morgan- You are Stacy's pride and joy, she brags about how hard you work and how great you are doing every time she gets a chance. Hell, she does it even when she doesn't have the opportunity, she just makes an opportunity lol. And not that my opinion counts, but watching you go through college while working is an admirable thing to do, not to mention your grades are always outstanding! It's NOT easy! If it was easy, everyone would do it and we all know that's not the case!
With all of that being said, I promise, I promise on my life to love and cherish your daughter, mother and sister until the day I die. Because of her, I'm a better man and that's what she deserves. I was a good man most of my life, and just like God, somewhere a long the lines I let the good escape my heart. As with God, the good can and will no longer escape my heart. I'm sorry to each and every person I mentioned in this blog and I WILL be the man my parents raised me to be and Stacy deserves. Good night all...
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