Day 17:
I chewed today.
I bought a can, took a dip out of it and
threw the can away.
I failed.
Again.
I hate this.
I feel like a jerk
and wish I could turn back the time of day.
I didn’t plan it, hell, I didn’t even realize I wanted it so badly until
I got near the store on the way to pick up the kids from school.
I had my usual cravings today, the same cravings I had several times since I began this journey, the same cravings I was beating. Then, out of nowhere, BAM! I pulled into the
store, bought chew and took a dip.
Besides the fact that I failed, what sucks so much is that dip did
absolutely nothing. It didn’t give me a
sigh of relief; it didn’t make me say “ahhhh that’s what I’ve been missing.” It wasn’t enjoyable and it wasn’t like the “olden
days.” Maybe that’s what will help keep
me motivated when I start over tomorrow?
I had a dip, the dip I’ve been craving for a few weeks now. When I gave in, I didn’t like what I was
doing. Before, if I went even a few
hours without dip, that next dip was great.
This time I went two weeks and a few days without it and when I had a
dip, I flat out hated it. I hated myself
for doing it.
If you’re wondering what I’m going to do now, I’ll tell
you. It’s simple. I start tomorrow at Day 1. There is no other option. I chewed and that’s that. I’m going to get to
the 100 day goal and I’m going to do it with no ifs, ands, or buts about
it. No questions, no what ifs, no
nothing. 100 days without dip. If I just
kept going from here, I couldn’t HONESTLY say I went 100 days without dip. Case closed!
Having to type this blog is flat out humiliating, I admit
that. I also told all of you that I’d be
honest with you. This is me being
honest. I hope you all stick around and keep supporting me. If not, I’ll understand. But at least stick around for the other
things we’ll be doing on the blog/vlog.
I’m not making excuses.
No one let me down, it wasn’t from the pressure of life, it wasn’t a bad
day at the office, etc. I have no
excuses for what I did. I just had a
dip, I’m telling all of you and starting fresh.
Oh, and Thank ALL of you for sticking by me to this point. Especially my gal Stacy, Momma Roush and Momma Thomas. Brother Dan has been pretty cool to. I'm going to beat this, I promise.
It’s back to Day 1, are you coming with us? I hope so…
Goodnight all…
Hey cousin, I just stopped in to tell you how proud I am of you. It takes courage to admit when we fall, but please don't beat yourself up so much. Addiction to anything can sneak up on you with no warning, we are human and because of that we are inherently weak. When I quit smoking it took me many many tries to do it but the fact is I did quit! It is good to hear that you did not enjoy it, that tells me that your taste for it has changed. I quit smoking 5 years ago and I still have cravings. You are a strong guy and you have a fantastic support system in place, that is definitely a plus in your favor. Just remember it is not the destination but the journey, take it a day at a time, a moment at a time when need be. Start your DAY 1 tomorrow with the same hope and positive attitude you had when you started 17 days ago. Remember, there are so many people who are behind you all the way. LOVE YOU!!! cousin jen
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